Hopelessly In Love

tomorrow we put princess down. she was such a good dog. its so hard for me to see all my family deal with it in their own ways. no one really knows how to deal with it.. she was paps best friend. partners in crime. she will always be remembered for her 3 hour walks with pap and ending up on pitcairin road and up at the park. or when you said “bubba” she went nuts.. she always picked me up from school and was there through it all.
i dont really know what to say, this is the hardest thing i have ever had to go through.
you will be missed, but never forgotten
“you be a good girl, ill be back”-pap

I wish I was skinny. I wish I didn’t have to try to be like the other girls.

I dont know why after 2 years I cant look at a picture of you with her and feel okay. I don’t think that that part of my life was ever solved. You were my perfect guy. I don’t know why you chose her over me. I will never understand that. What made her so great? I’m happy with my boyfriend of a year and a half, so why do I let you get to me?

I walked off a softball field for the last time in my life tonight. Those girls-Sami, Sami, Allison, Brittney, Rachel, and Maggie-have become a family. Every game we went out there and gave it our best. Win or lose we always were together. It doesn’t matter that we lost tonight. I won’t remember that I lost the last game. I’ll remember that these girls have meant the world to me.

And then theres coach Lou. Without him, softball wouldn’t be the same. He’s taught me so much over the past ten years. It’s amazing how we were always in the championship game. He’s such an amazing person. He’s always looking out for us and he always understood us as people and as players.

It’s incredible to know that I’ve always left everything out on the field. I was a different person when I stepped between the white lines. I was never sad about having a game, or upset that I spent my summers there.

Becky is one of the meanest people. And the girls on her team are the same way. She came back this year to beat us, so congrats for achieving your goal in life.. That’s pretty pathetic. And to Taylor and Jess, I’ve never seen such poor sportsmanship. I remember when you used to spit on your hands before you shook hands with us. To make rude comments and just being mean to us is unfair. And if that’s the kind of person you are then so be it but I’m surprised that that kind of attitude is allowed, and encouraged.

The game is just one of my favorite things in my life. I didn’t love school, or clubs..softball is what I dedicated everything to. I’m so glad to have something like that.
I just love my friends and parents and coaches. It wouldn’t be the same without you guys!

Tonight was the game that got my team into the championship. It’s such a good feeling. I’m nervous but it doesn’t matter either way.
I had a home run tonight. Straight out to right field. No one was near the ball. It was one of the best feelings.

But then I came home, and my dad just brings me down. He told me that it wasn’t a real home run because it wasn’t over the fence. And it doesn’t matter how much I try to say that what he says doesn’t matter because it does. It bothers me so much that he can’t just say congrats. Hes never seen me play. He doesn’t know how good I am. So who is he to say that I didn’t have one of the best hits? And when he saw that what he said upset me, he still didn’t say anything. I don’t understand how I’ll ever be good enough.

Matthew came tonight which made me super happy. He just supports me all the time. And he’s the one to always pick up the pieces when everyone else brings me down.

Also, we’re putting princess down on Monday. That alone makes me the saddest I can feel. She was a great dog. She was my first dog. She’s really not doing well, it’s what’s best for her. She doesn’t deserve the life she’s living now. She’ll be in a much better place. I just can’t think about her and pap. They were best friends. I can imagine what one would be like without the other. She just doesn’t deserve this. “you be good puppy, I’ll see you later”

Recently, he hasn’t been the cute guy I fell in love with. He goes to sleep every night and my mom sorta hinted that she doesn’t like him very much and that makes me feel sad. I don’t know what I’d do if she didn’t approve. Ugh I miss the way things used to be. But I love him so much. It’s just hard sometimes.

I freaked out on him the other day saying that I feel like he doesn’t trust me and ever since then things feel weird to me. I’ve never cried like that in front of him or gotten that upset before so it scared me a lot.
I’m sure things will start looking up.

I’m emotionally drained. Going 49 days without seeing the one who lights up your world is exhausting. I’m upset and torn and I don’t know what to do and all I need at this exact moment is for you to tell me that you’ll love me no matter what I choose to do whether you think it’s right or wrong and that you’ll support me. My mind is screaming at me to quit but I’ve been so involved for 12 years and that’s too much to give up for my senior year. Even if they do belittle me.

Words can’t even describe how happy he makes me. I’m just overwhelmed by his charm. I’ve never felt like this before. We stayed up until 4 in the morning last night and it made me the happiest girl. He told me how much he loved me, and us, and our relationship and the way he described it, is something that i will never forget. I miss him so much. Distance is the hardest thing ive ever had to go through and its harder with him. i just wanna wrap myself in his arms and never leave. He’s amazing and kind and i can be myself around him. I wish that i could put how i feel into words but it just isnt possible.

I love you Matthew<3